Imperfect behaviors

Something that has always bothered me is when people call me “perfect”. Lately it seems that everyone is striving to “look perfect” “act perfect” “find perfect love”, when in reality, such things do not exist. Anyone who knows me can vouch for how my views on the world change. Some days, I feel as if nothing can go wrong and the world is 100% on my side. Others, consist of a pessimistic attitude that hold me back from moving on in my life. This is why, I don’t enjoy having my appearance, attitude, story, or anything about me called “perfect”. Now, you’re probably reading this and thinking of how pretentious and ungrateful that I am, but really think about this one for me.  I know that in my heart, I don’t always act like I should, and sometimes, I don’t really treat people like they deserve to be treated. So when people tell me how “perfectly positive” or how “my story is perfect”, I begin to feel guilt inside. I feel this guilt because although I have come so far in my journey and in my recovery, I’m still such a huge work in progress. I am such a flawed human, and I don’t believe that people should think that everything goes the way that it seems from online. I make mistakes, I tell lies, I hurt peoples feelings, I judge before I know people, I judge when I know people… I am a human. And the only thing perfect about me is how perfectly flawed I am.

This past week, my grandfather passed away from internal bleeding on his brain which caused him to slip into a coma. Just a few hours ago, we finished the service. My family, the minister, and attendants of the funeral could not stop talking about how my grandfather was the biggest gentleman and kind soul that they had ever met. How he always reached out to love people and to make sure they realized how valuable they were to him, even if he had just met them. When I leave this world, I want to be remembered as a caring person. I don’t want to exit this world with half of its population having a misconception about who I am.

I am Joshua Shepherd, and I am a flawed human.

A flawed human in a flawed world.

A perfectly flawed human in a flawed world

A perfectly flawed human in a perfectly flawed world.