I crave God. I crave salvation. I crave acceptance. I crave normalcy. I crave connection. I crave to understand. Unfortunately, my cravings are not satisfied. All of my cravings seem to be centered around God and the lack of relationship I continue to NOT have with him. I’ve spent the majority of my teenaged years fighting against religion and those who have a passionate connection with it. Ironically enough, the only thing my heart truly craves is a vivacious connection to one, specifically Christianity.
For those who have been reading for a while, you have had more than enough insight to understand my story and the struggles that have existed within it. Throughout my struggles with depression, anxiety, self-harm, and eating disorders, I have never thought to place the blame upon myself; God has always been what I like to call, “The Younger Sibling” for me, that person I can place all the blame on, although completely innocent. It’s has always been so easy to just lay in my bed and sob big, whooping tears into my pillow and shout out, “Why Me?” “What have I ever done to you, God?” “Why are you picking on me?”. No doubt about it, I can’t control the fact that I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Anxiety, but I can control how I handle the aftermath and the issues that come along with them. I would slice my writs, and while blood was flowing from my skin and veins, I would stare at the ceiling and question God, blame God, and not once looking at the situation that I HAD CREATED, only looking for someone, or something else to blame it on.
I’m sure someone reading this feels the same, probably with a different situation, but still the same. Your boyfriend has broken up with you, “Why Me, God?”. Your mother has been diagnosed with cancer, “What has my family ever done to you, God?”, or you just can’t seem to find happiness in your life that is gifted with so many possibilities, “Why are you doing this to me, God?”. It’s taken me longer than I’m comfortable to admit to come to the conclusion that God isn’t punishing us, he isn’t trying to destroy us – all God is trying to do is teach us, nurture us with knowledge, and to help us grow with experience. The difficult aspects of this is that sometimes these lessons affect us in ways that hurt us, make us cry, make our stomachs twist into a thousand knots while we grasp onto them for dear life… but it isn’t to tear us down.
Each and every summer, since I was a rising 1st grader, I’ve attended Camp Mikell, an Episcopalian Church Camp. Every week that I spend there, whether I am a camper or a counselor, I feel close to God, something that is unrecognizable for me otherwise while I am at home. I tell myself constantly that when I return home after that week at Camp Mikell ended that I would continue this relationship with God to the best of my abilities. This safe and easy relationship with God that is formed while at camp became rather difficulty the second I pull into my driveway at home. Camp, a place disconnected from the outside world is centered around finding a healthy relationship with God – the outside world, strains far and wide away from religion and focuses on things that are “more important”. Factors from my anxiety and depression begin to come into action when away from Camp Mikell, and my motivation to strengthen the bond between my and God weakens and is no longer a priority.
Relationships with God always seem to be so misleading because of how easy some people make them look. I know that all of us have been scrolling through Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and have seen a picture of someone who was celebrating that fact that they had just been baptized at that morning’s service, and how they were so incredibly grateful to start their lives fulfilling the word of God. It’s seems so easy then doesn’t it? As a younger teen, I used to think that if I just got baptized that I would instantly feel the fervor of God’s love and instantly see his life plan for me.
As I grew older, I began to wonder if religion was even cut out for me, am I an atheist? Is Camp Mikell just making feel a false impression of God? Why hasn’t God reached out for me? I pondered upon this for several years until this past week, it just hit me… God isn’t going to appear to me in my room at 2:03 am and boom “Joshua? It’s God, I think it’s time that I explain to you how all this work so it becomes easier for you. No more worries, no more stress, let me just lay it all out here on the line for you.” Although, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?
We all have physical developments of what we believe God looks like within our head. A woman, a man, a light, a cloud, etc., but God doesn’t physically show up in our lives. He isn’t going to pop up and give us life advice when we are unsure of what to do. What is SO incredibly beautiful about God is the relationships he forms and the beauty that he leaves on our Earth. He won’t physically come to us and say “This is the college you should attend because…” or “Don’t marry him, he isn’t right for you and won’t make you happy in the long run…”, but I’ve been able to slowly devise my relationship with God because of how mysterious he is. The signs that he has left for me along the way, the extravagance of his world, and the relationships he has allowed me to form.
When I was a small boy, I used to question my mother, a woman who is spiritually strong, about God. “How do we know is he real momma?“. My mother would grab my hand and point up to the sky and the sun the was setting. She would look down at me and say, “Look baby, look at the colors, look at the clouds, look at how majestic that sky is.” I would ponder upon this as she would continue, “I go to bed at night not knowing what kind of God there is or what God has in store for me, but I know, when I look up at the beauty of our sky, that no man and no science can create that beauty by himself/itself.” This one conversation has been the amount of the few things that has kept me holding on to my relationship with God.
God creates beauty. And God has such a wondrous effect upon our world and the people that live within it. The following quotes have been gathered from REAL people that I know with a REAL connection towards God.
He is the anchor that held me in place during my darkest and hardest storms.
Allowing God to come into my life has been the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. He is such a gentle, kind, guiding, and perfect Father to me. He understands everything about me and loves me with all my flaws. He accepts me with open arms. He has helped me turn from my addictions and the issues of my past and is leading my on a true path towards hope for an amazing future. HE IS SO GOOD.
Look at the devotion within these quotes, the absolute admiration for God, the trust within him. I want the love that these quotes exemplify, I crave to understand God… And I truly think that I am on the right path.
No, my relationship with God isn’s perfect. Yes, I struggle every single day with it. But have learned that he is here. He is looking out for my best interest. He wants me to succeed. Although I have spent most of my life blaming him for my faults and issues, he still loves my unconditionally.
“Joshua, It’s God, and I’m here for you.”
Confidence to Commitment 