Well, Well Well... Look who we have here. After nearly a 5-month hiatus, I have returned to the blogging world to share the past near-half year of my life, as well as some incredibly difficult truth.
When this blog was first created in June of 2014, I had the sole intention of discussing issues such as depression, anxiety, self-harm, and eating disorders, considering that at the time they were so much more real than they are to me today. I still live day to day with my anxiety and fight each and every day to stay strong (as cliché as that may sound). However, as I have moved to college and started such a new and fresh chapter in my life, I have learned that under the blog name “Confidence to Commitment”, there is so much more to discuss; this confidence and commitment must always be used, even in a simple task of meeting a new person and possibly building some sort of relationship.
In August of this year (2015) I moved to Georgia College and State University to be a theatre major (I have now switched to pre-early childhood education with theatre as my minor). I began my journey here at Georgia College as a completely difference person than that one I am now, typing you this blog post at nearly 2 am (during finals week may I add). I came to Georgia College the same person that I was in high school: secretly struggling and stubborn enough to not as for help when needed. I walked into my first class, a libertarian economics class based off of Ron Swanson from the hit TV show, “Parks and Rec”. The name of this incredibly unique class was “Swansonomics” (Ironically the same class that I have a final exam in… in 7 hours…). I had absolutely no idea what to expect. I learned then and there that I was on my own until I figured out other arrangements. We will be taught the material and are able to ask a few questions, but we were on our own for preparing and understand the material. This soon became a common pattern within my newfound college life.
I was so excited to arrive at Georgia College because I got a fresh start. A fresh start from high school, although I barely implemented a fresh start I way I was acting, considering that I was the same hot mess that I was throughout high school. I had on rose-tinted glasses all summer waiting for move-in day, but little did I know that most things were either incredibly different or the complete opposite of what I expected. Throughout my earlier education, I never had a problem with finding friends and flocking to a group of people to associate myself with. I assumed that with a student body of 6,000+ undergraduate students, I figured there was at least one that was just like me. After a couple of weeks had passed, I found myself rather empty handed in regards to what I had come into Georgia College looking for. I was frustrated that I hadn’t made my mark on the school yet. I was upset that I watched all of these people with their new friend groups and I struggled to find someone to sit with in the Max (the school’s meal plan), which was something that I never really experienced in grade school.
You know those movie scenes where someone is all dressed up and a car speeds by and splashes a murky mixture of water, mud, and gravel all over their clothes and bodies? Well, ironically enough, after a night of feeling down about myself because of the lack of friends I had made, I walked to class one rainy morning with my umbrella. As I am about to turn the corner to reach my 9 am class, a giant and lifted truck splashed a cold puddle (it was more like a small like if we are being honest here) all over me. As mentioned earlier in the blog post I am too stubborn sometimes to ask for help when I need it, and here help was, brisk water all over my bag, clothes, hair, and skin. Although I would have much rather of experienced this in a much less wet and cold manner, this was the most determining factor in the realization that nothing is the same in college as it was before I came, and that is exactly how it is supposed to be. Just as I learned in 2015 that things aren’t always going to work the same as they did two years prior, in 2013.
I’m not saying that my friends came flocking instantly, but damn, it sure felt as if when I gave up control and let life happen. After that, I began to blossom and find my happiness with my own group of people. I have made some incredibly and unforgettable friends since that incident on a rainy morning. Giving up my control of wanting to maintain the life that I had prior to coming to Georgia College is hands down, one of the best and most rewarding decisions that I have made in quite a long time.
I was so stuck on finding the same kind of friends that I left at home that went off to different colleges, and even a few friends that came to Georgia College along my side. But that was such a mistake, a mistake that taught me such a valuable lesson; never be afraid to reach out. The friends that I spend my free time with are such a crazy bunch. Friends who are loud and outspoken like myself, friends who prefer to observe, and everything in-between make my life here at Georgia College so much easier and filled with joy. You can bet your ass that I’m the same, vulgar, loud, and borderline obnoxious guy that started this blog just over 18 months ago.
I knew from the second that my senior year of high school began that I was ready for a fresh start and to leave to cattiness of high school behind. However, something that never crossed my mind prior to moving to Georgia College was how relieved I was to have a break from the space where so much darkness, so much pain, and so much scarring took place. I know live in an apartment with one other roommate. I have my own bedroom and bathroom and I never thought I would be able to say that there was a mood change with bedrooms and bathrooms. Every single time I walk into my bathroom at home, I see the silhouette of a boy sitting on the bathroom floor slitting his wrists, compressing cries, and finding a way to get every piece of the meal he had just eaten out of his stomach. What’s becomes complex about recovery is how support systems dwindle and the things that you used to tell yourself to feel better no longer work. Fresh wounds on an arm need and attract more support and love then faded white scar on a wrist from a few months prior. I found myself craving the feeling of creating a new mark and craving the satisfaction of clearing my stomach after a meal, no matter the size.
Something that is always hard to admit is the act of relapse. Within the year of 2015, I would be a dishonest blogger and dishonest person if I told you that I didn’t bring a blade to my skin and that I didn’t skip meals and that I didn’t leave my meal in a toilet bowl. It’s hard to tell those you love that maybe you have not made as much progress as you once thought you had. That’s something that’s so baffling about recovery. I felt that for nearly a year and a half that I was unstoppable, that I could help others who struggled with self-harm and eating disorders, and that sense of being unstoppable was what brought me back down to the tile floor that I used to sit on in the bathroom. I look down at the scars upon my arm and I know what I’ve been through. I know where I went through it. But most importantly, I’m learning all over again how to fight the right path to recovery yet again. I was addicted yet again to conflicting pain on myself, I craved the pain, and I craved the feeling of having complete control over myself. This same control held me back from happiness at the start of my journey at Georgia College.
I found myself in a place of power. My more popular blog posts were reaching upwards of 10,000 views and I was receiving mail, social media requests, and emails about how my story inspired them to put the blade down, to step off the scale, and find their path to recovery and to happiness. I was so concerned with keeping my reader’s happy and keeping them on a right path that I lied to you all about the state of mind that I was in.
The moral of these two almost completely topic points was how they needed a fresh start and new mindset. I came to Georgia College and had the wrong mindset to find my happiness. I had to learn within 2015 that some of the tactics that I used to keep the blade down and the food in my stomach back in 2013 aren’t the same ones that I need to use now to keep my body clean from new scars and my stomach full with yummy foods (accepting the freshman 15 has been a while other journey…). I had to find two new paths for my new life. I had to change my mindset and figure out new ways to find happiness.
This blog post is the first of a series of five. The series is “Brand New” and will include the process to recovery the second time around and the changes that will be made. I am making a promise to each and every one of my reader’s that this time around, there is nothing but complete honesty.
I’ve taken away from college that so much changes, and just accepting that change will lead you down a successful path.
I am Joshua Shepherd. I am brand new. I have a new mindset, a new set of friends in additions to the ones who wait for me at home, and new possibilities that greet me each and every day I walk out the front door. Sometimes… I don’t even try to avoid the big puddle, wondering to myself if it might lead me down yet another path of rejuvenation
I am 5 months clean from bulimia and 3 months clean from self-harm. It’s taken a lot of adjusting falling from nearly 2 years clean from an eating disorder to back to zero, but it was the wakeup call I needed to continue my happiness and to encourage the happiness of others.
The first time was just practice, let’s have BRAND NEW start.
Always,
J.B.S 12/09/2015
Find me on social media or send me an email,
Jshepherd637@gmail.com.
Confidence to Commitment 