JUST FOR YOU

My school’s online newspaper recently wrote an article on my blog and my struggles throughout school and how I have overcome them. Raider Wire Journalist, Julie, came to my Chamber Choir during lunch about a month ago and gathered insight on my personality and on my blog. I was very nervous in my interview because I, although am a very chatty and personable person, I get very nervous in social situation. “So Josh, why do you write? Who do you write for? What inspired me to write?” I sat there and stumbled over my words. I wanted this article to be wonderful. Not only for me. but for Julie. I wanted this wondrous person to have her talents and inner beauty shine. I thought about my answers after the interview and I realized… I don’t write for me. I don’t write for my family. I don’t write for my happy friends. I write for those holding on to a wire that is rusty and cracking.  I write for those how stare at a revolver every night telling themselves to pull the trigger. I write for those who stare into the depths of a toilet bowl after every meal. I write for those who are like me. I write for those who don’t think they can hold on anymore. Whether one person reads my posts or a million do. I desire nothing more than to help YOU. That one reader that can relate to me. I write for you. Just for you. This is for you. Hold on tight my dear, we can make it through.

A few thousand reads later, I feel like my blog had been relatively successful. Is it the top read on word press? No. And although that is a dream of mine, right now, I am perfectly content with my small following. The loyal readers. The friends who read every post I write. The mentors I’ve had who’ve told me I’ve made my story into something. I love my base of readers. I love my blog. I love you all.

Sometimes in my darkest hours in the middle of the night, I wonder who would miss me if I died. Would people come to my funeral? Would I be remembered? If so, what would I be remembered for? My voice? My laugh? My looks? My intelligence? I Then begin to hate myself, because I talk myself out of believing that I am talented, funny, smart, attractive. I find myself in my old positions. Sitting on the ground, crying myself to sleep. Wondering if one little cut would really make a difference on my wrists. I snap out of it. My face is hot and hard from sobbing. I am okay. I am alive.  I remember that although I occasionally feel worthless, I’ve inspired someone. I inspired the journalism class to write an online article about me. So if anything… Julie, this is for you. My fight is for you. I am fighting for you. I will never stop fighting for my happiness and for you. We can do this.

So if you’re reading this, holding your wrists, your stomach, you pill bottle, or you’re next to you’re scale. If you feel like you can’t make it. I am here. And this is Just For You. 

So Worth Loving Shindig!

Tonight I was more than excited to attend a shindig hosted by So Worth Loving.
I met up with old friends and even had the pleasure of meeting a new one, whom I had been speaking to via text and social media for several months. Shout out to So Worth Loving and Taproom Coffee for hosting this wonderful event.
The founder of So Worth Loving, Eryn Erickson, whom I admire greatly, gave me some very important advice tonight: “No matter the level of your anxiety, you are never alone.” Of course, SWL is all about promoting how there is always someone available for you that can love on you and show you your worth, but hearing it from her, an idol of mine, allowed me to fully get into gear. My anxiety cripples me at time, leaving me short of breath with a face covered in tears and longing for absolution. It is gonna be tough my friends, to get this through your precious minds, but we can so do this!
Ever since my finding of SWL and its massive following in 2013, I have admired it’s message. Tonight, I felt more connected to this company than ever. When speaking to Eryn of high school, we came to the conclusion that high school flat out sucks and that it’s okay to hurt and to not be okay.
That is what SWL is all about, having a community of broken people, who strive to love on the broken.
There were laughs, smiles, and a whole lot of hugging, which makes any night enjoyable, but the SWL crew made tonight oh so special for dozens of loving people (loving on coffee and people!)
I shared conversations tonight with a variety of people, from fashion majors to famous authors, which shows the diversity of the SWL community.
I came home tonight with passion in my soul and a rad new tee from SWL!

So tonight friends, put down your razor blades, step down from the scale, quit self-medicating, and take a deep breath. We are worth so much more then tearing ourselves down.
We are SO WORTH LOVING.